The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
