Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i love accidental penises.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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