So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
