Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Another day, another engagement, another cat
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
