puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
