all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
