Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The best revenge is premature balding
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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