the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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