She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
