We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
