Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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