I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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