New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
