Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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