Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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