why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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