I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
