It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
