i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So vagazzling was a success
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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