you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
