Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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