Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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