So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
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I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
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Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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