It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
