I think scott just propositioned me for sex
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
