I'm jealous of your bromance
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
