The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
