We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
