I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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