I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
