Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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