you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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