Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
