Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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