Sry I called you an 8
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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