I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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