just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
