I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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