oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
