you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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