I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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