dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
