don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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