The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
