My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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