I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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