omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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