come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
