I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
