I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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