I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
