Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Randomize
