I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
