i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
