my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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