who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Randomize
