ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
