Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
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Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
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Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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