So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
